Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
