maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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