Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
