turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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