I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
