Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
