I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
