what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
