moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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