i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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