dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
