I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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