The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
