I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
