I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
