My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
