Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Less talking, more tequila
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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