Will you blow on my dice?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
