does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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