how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
