And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
