if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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