i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I came so hard my ears popped.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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