after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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