We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
