I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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