Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
