I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
