Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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