I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
