watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
