Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
