all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
