I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
