Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
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