so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
