tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
