You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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