You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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