You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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