he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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