If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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