i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
