so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
