this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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