im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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