this beer tastes like vomit already
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
