Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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