this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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