Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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