Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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