I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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