we're chasing vodka with high fives
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
